06 October 2011
20 August 2011
Right or Wrong?
It seems the more i stay in this town, the more philosophical i become (i know, pretty bad; this is how you know the world is coming to an end). Seriously though. I don't know if it is because i have changed islands-Long Island, Manhattan, Great Britain, Nessebar or because i have deprived myself from being stationary( having my friends and family always near me). And, really, the reason doesn't matter. I just want to share what i believe is a realization i have reached.
It's really simple and perhaps for the few readers of this, it is quite obvious but for me it was the biggest discovery i have recently made and in all honesty it hurt to find it this late (at least to me it feels late).
I grew up thinking and believing that everything is there not only just for a particular reason but for a reason that will eventually benefit you in one way or another. I believed that people come to your life to teach you something, to help you understand yourself better, to make you feel happiness or pain so you recognize them better later on, to grow and become what you are meant to be. Consequently, I believed all falls into place, no one is capable of finding something without that something being already there for them. In other words, if you are supposed to find a pot of gold in 20 years, you would not find it tomorrow or in two weeks you will find it in exactly 20 years no matter what you do. Additionally, wrongly or not, i assumed that all the traditional understandings i was raised with were also possible. To top it all off the books/movies concepts i grew up reading/watching brainwashed my poor naive brain to the point that i assumed my own life was going to go in one of those plots/scenarios. You are probably thinking, who was that cruel person who left me believing me all this nuisance. Well, this is what happens when you live on a very small island in a conservative eastern european state for your first 18 years of your life. Moving from Nessebar to New York was not a cultural shock but rather a triple espresso shot with a redbull.
Believe it or not, however, i did my best to avoid thinking about how all my understandings were shattered to pieces (trust me i have the best defence system you could think of). I locked that part of my brain and pretty much breezed through my undergraduate as if it was the town over my hometown. But reality was still there, right around the corner, I could see it or feel it even hear it but i procrastinated face to face confrontation for as long as i could. Scotland was just about the same, although i could see how the pieces of my world, which i painstakingly glue back every single time there was a discrepancy between what i used to believe and what it really was, were standing out so horridly, mainly because they no longer made sense in the mosaic. The order made no sense, nothing made sense. It seemed wrong. Something that used to looks so perfectly clear and logical, now lost all of its rationale. The morale value system that i have built, the one which i left Bulgaria with, was challenged.
I guess many can say "Why the heck are you digging so deep, enjoy life and take every day as it is, just have fun?!" Well, i am being a human. Humans feel, think, share. I could really just be living a life where i ask no questions and just mind my own business but i would ultimately be doing what i did for a while just keeping the gear on automatic and not hitting the breaks at all until i crash.
Now that school is over (as in im done with the bubble called academia for good), the breaks have been applied and for the first time i actually have the chance to sit down and realize that i have struggled with trying to match up the different people, worlds (US UK BG) and their morality into my life.
What is the final product? -A mess.
What is the remedy/solution?-No idea.
It really hurts my head to try to figure out what to do, especially when i don't even know where i will be in three months. What part of the world will my life take me to? Yeah, may be if i stay in one place i could perhaps better things. It sounds so uneasy to say that having met such a variety of people has rather altered me in a way that has irreversibly changed me. I am aware everyone changes and that such is life. But I believe that there is a huge difference in changing gradually and smoothly into a person and having to adjust to changes quickly because you have no other choice. I would agree to one thing. For better or worse, It is me who has chosen to lead a life of a constant traveler in a professional field that is not for the faint-hearted in location far away from home. Therefore, no one is to bare any blame for anything (perhaps except for me). What I did wish was, however, that i knew better how to enjoy life with the overwhelming diversity it offers, without losing myself and who i am and not feeling bad/guilty about maintaing a morality corresponding to an old-dead world.
I am sure the answer is simple but following it probably isn't.
It's really simple and perhaps for the few readers of this, it is quite obvious but for me it was the biggest discovery i have recently made and in all honesty it hurt to find it this late (at least to me it feels late).
I grew up thinking and believing that everything is there not only just for a particular reason but for a reason that will eventually benefit you in one way or another. I believed that people come to your life to teach you something, to help you understand yourself better, to make you feel happiness or pain so you recognize them better later on, to grow and become what you are meant to be. Consequently, I believed all falls into place, no one is capable of finding something without that something being already there for them. In other words, if you are supposed to find a pot of gold in 20 years, you would not find it tomorrow or in two weeks you will find it in exactly 20 years no matter what you do. Additionally, wrongly or not, i assumed that all the traditional understandings i was raised with were also possible. To top it all off the books/movies concepts i grew up reading/watching brainwashed my poor naive brain to the point that i assumed my own life was going to go in one of those plots/scenarios. You are probably thinking, who was that cruel person who left me believing me all this nuisance. Well, this is what happens when you live on a very small island in a conservative eastern european state for your first 18 years of your life. Moving from Nessebar to New York was not a cultural shock but rather a triple espresso shot with a redbull.
Believe it or not, however, i did my best to avoid thinking about how all my understandings were shattered to pieces (trust me i have the best defence system you could think of). I locked that part of my brain and pretty much breezed through my undergraduate as if it was the town over my hometown. But reality was still there, right around the corner, I could see it or feel it even hear it but i procrastinated face to face confrontation for as long as i could. Scotland was just about the same, although i could see how the pieces of my world, which i painstakingly glue back every single time there was a discrepancy between what i used to believe and what it really was, were standing out so horridly, mainly because they no longer made sense in the mosaic. The order made no sense, nothing made sense. It seemed wrong. Something that used to looks so perfectly clear and logical, now lost all of its rationale. The morale value system that i have built, the one which i left Bulgaria with, was challenged.
I guess many can say "Why the heck are you digging so deep, enjoy life and take every day as it is, just have fun?!" Well, i am being a human. Humans feel, think, share. I could really just be living a life where i ask no questions and just mind my own business but i would ultimately be doing what i did for a while just keeping the gear on automatic and not hitting the breaks at all until i crash.
Now that school is over (as in im done with the bubble called academia for good), the breaks have been applied and for the first time i actually have the chance to sit down and realize that i have struggled with trying to match up the different people, worlds (US UK BG) and their morality into my life.
What is the final product? -A mess.
What is the remedy/solution?-No idea.
It really hurts my head to try to figure out what to do, especially when i don't even know where i will be in three months. What part of the world will my life take me to? Yeah, may be if i stay in one place i could perhaps better things. It sounds so uneasy to say that having met such a variety of people has rather altered me in a way that has irreversibly changed me. I am aware everyone changes and that such is life. But I believe that there is a huge difference in changing gradually and smoothly into a person and having to adjust to changes quickly because you have no other choice. I would agree to one thing. For better or worse, It is me who has chosen to lead a life of a constant traveler in a professional field that is not for the faint-hearted in location far away from home. Therefore, no one is to bare any blame for anything (perhaps except for me). What I did wish was, however, that i knew better how to enjoy life with the overwhelming diversity it offers, without losing myself and who i am and not feeling bad/guilty about maintaing a morality corresponding to an old-dead world.
I am sure the answer is simple but following it probably isn't.
19 July 2011
sparkle
In 11 days i will turn 25. So close to my birthday i naturally look back at the past year and give myself a fair and honest evaluation. The conclusion i reached was: I need to do better, I want to be better in...everything. I often ask myself if people just know anything else but wanting. It bothered me and i think it still bothers me that we can never be happy with what we currently have. Something is always missing and the present moment is never perfect. What a waste is that in terms of energy and time?! When i say "we", I mean all normal people. I often hear individuals say "Im happy right now and I don't regret a single thing in my life." If that's the case and you happen to be reading my blog out of respect for the writer, quit now and come back after a month, a year or when you are 89 years old and you can really understand what Im writing about. (No one is perfect, come on)
I think so many of us fail to see how happy they are and how much they have because they are constantly forced to measure up to constantly changing criteria, demands or objects of comparison. To delete this automatic button of dissatisfaction is difficult, I find. Some may say that this is really a good thing because it will push you to always excel yourself and become a better competitor in the jungle called the job market. WRONG. It is not about competing, it is about finding what you really want and going after what YOU want, not what society, boss or your peers is after. If we always compare ourselves with the neighbor we will eventually lose ourselves and become a shadow of that neighbor, who's probably a shadow of someone else. How sad is it that we don't appreciate life the way it presents itself to us but instead we mold it into a shape that society tells us to. May be this is why generally good things have lost its value and authority. A career by 25, a fiancee and marriage by 30, a baby or two by 35, a bigger house and a car by 37 but seriously life can't be a schedule! In most cases, it isn't and it shouldn't be (for many reasons that i am too tired to discuss right now but if you really want to hear them come around and ask me).
Everyday i try to remember how grateful i am for everything in my life (because there were moments i was so close to losing so much) and it is that moment that i expect a sudden rush of glee and happiness to take over me but instead i just have a little smirk on my face (because otherwise i would just look weird to everyone else) and a second later its all back to normalcy (meaning compare-compare-compare). I'd like this to change. I'd like us all to remember that we are really in a much better state than most of...oh wait that's another comparison. Could we possibly know that we are happy without measuring up to something or someone? I have heard people who are deep in love say that they are living what they perceive as "perfect happiness." My question is what happens when you break up, divorce or split up. Happiness has to be this great INDEPENDENT feeling we feel because we are happy with who we are, the way we are, where we are. I am obviously not going to answer a question that much more capable people have tried (since the world have existed actually) but may be i can make at least myself and you think about how awesome we are and not let such astray matters bring us down (as they have managed to bring me down almost on a daily basis in the past week). No matter how much showing off or comparison we are forced to encounter on a daily basis, we HAVE to remember where we stand and be happy with it. Just enjoy the present moment. Life is difficult as it is, so many things could go wrong, we really must try to keep that little sparkle of hope burning or else life just turns into a mundane and difficult chore.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIn_EvuNEh4
I think so many of us fail to see how happy they are and how much they have because they are constantly forced to measure up to constantly changing criteria, demands or objects of comparison. To delete this automatic button of dissatisfaction is difficult, I find. Some may say that this is really a good thing because it will push you to always excel yourself and become a better competitor in the jungle called the job market. WRONG. It is not about competing, it is about finding what you really want and going after what YOU want, not what society, boss or your peers is after. If we always compare ourselves with the neighbor we will eventually lose ourselves and become a shadow of that neighbor, who's probably a shadow of someone else. How sad is it that we don't appreciate life the way it presents itself to us but instead we mold it into a shape that society tells us to. May be this is why generally good things have lost its value and authority. A career by 25, a fiancee and marriage by 30, a baby or two by 35, a bigger house and a car by 37 but seriously life can't be a schedule! In most cases, it isn't and it shouldn't be (for many reasons that i am too tired to discuss right now but if you really want to hear them come around and ask me).
Everyday i try to remember how grateful i am for everything in my life (because there were moments i was so close to losing so much) and it is that moment that i expect a sudden rush of glee and happiness to take over me but instead i just have a little smirk on my face (because otherwise i would just look weird to everyone else) and a second later its all back to normalcy (meaning compare-compare-compare). I'd like this to change. I'd like us all to remember that we are really in a much better state than most of...oh wait that's another comparison. Could we possibly know that we are happy without measuring up to something or someone? I have heard people who are deep in love say that they are living what they perceive as "perfect happiness." My question is what happens when you break up, divorce or split up. Happiness has to be this great INDEPENDENT feeling we feel because we are happy with who we are, the way we are, where we are. I am obviously not going to answer a question that much more capable people have tried (since the world have existed actually) but may be i can make at least myself and you think about how awesome we are and not let such astray matters bring us down (as they have managed to bring me down almost on a daily basis in the past week). No matter how much showing off or comparison we are forced to encounter on a daily basis, we HAVE to remember where we stand and be happy with it. Just enjoy the present moment. Life is difficult as it is, so many things could go wrong, we really must try to keep that little sparkle of hope burning or else life just turns into a mundane and difficult chore.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIn_EvuNEh4
28 June 2011
The New Beginnings
5 days in! That's right. New people, new work and new place. I woke up the other morning in the bed of the room i rent and i had no idea where i was. It took me a while to remember. Of course, this feeling is familiar so i didn't panic. It has happened many times before when i change locations, countries, continents. Everyone i have met so far has met me with a smile on the face and open arms. It will be very unfair to say that people here are not welcoming. However, my observation of Norfolk is that no one really stays here. People come and go. Much like in life i guess only it is work-related. Another observation is the abundance of beautiful birds and stormy weather. I could swear that i could hear a thunderstorm even when I'm wearing my headphones and blasting my music. As for the birds i have already seen a cardinal family and plenty of herons. Virginia beach, which is nearby Norfolk, is also a great beach area and may be for the first time in my life i will get a legit tan. I already went into the ocean and i think our meeting, after two years, was really nice....the water was warm and the waves were pretty big. So, overall. Good weather (despite the humidity), AWESOME beach, nice people (so far) and an adventurous work environment. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhD0PRFR7Pc&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6gPJZDhDCo&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhD0PRFR7Pc&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6gPJZDhDCo&feature=related
23 June 2011
blues & purples
After an extensive travel, i have finally arrived in Norfolk, where i will live with Janet and Will. It is very, very unreal to me that i am back on US territory. I think about it and i don't get it. It's one of those moments that needs time to sink in. Europe really had me. This either means that i get attached very easily or i don't know what i want. Third case scenario-both statements are valid at the same time. However, my brother called this new beginning in Norfolk an adventure and i'd like to believe that it is one, although i miss my family in such ways that words can't measure up to describe how i feel. To finish up i can say "such is life" and be reminded that in six months i will be somewhere else, feeling the same way as now, re-reading this post.
05 June 2011
The Alternate Universe
Just about 15 days before i depart for the US, I am doing my best to enjoy my family and home. It's really not as easy when they tell you take in every minute you can and live it. Like what are you supposed to do? So, instead i decide to do what i do best, play some music, go by the beach and dance off (sometimes really, others just in my head while listening to my ipod). So here is one of my fav. tunes (with or without the vocals i still think Tim Berg aka Avicii got it right :) )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWUC5Q0RCAA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWUC5Q0RCAA
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