It seems the more i stay in this town, the more philosophical i become (i know, pretty bad; this is how you know the world is coming to an end). Seriously though. I don't know if it is because i have changed islands-Long Island, Manhattan, Great Britain, Nessebar or because i have deprived myself from being stationary( having my friends and family always near me). And, really, the reason doesn't matter. I just want to share what i believe is a realization i have reached.
It's really simple and perhaps for the few readers of this, it is quite obvious but for me it was the biggest discovery i have recently made and in all honesty it hurt to find it this late (at least to me it feels late).
I grew up thinking and believing that everything is there not only just for a particular reason but for a reason that will eventually benefit you in one way or another. I believed that people come to your life to teach you something, to help you understand yourself better, to make you feel happiness or pain so you recognize them better later on, to grow and become what you are meant to be. Consequently, I believed all falls into place, no one is capable of finding something without that something being already there for them. In other words, if you are supposed to find a pot of gold in 20 years, you would not find it tomorrow or in two weeks you will find it in exactly 20 years no matter what you do. Additionally, wrongly or not, i assumed that all the traditional understandings i was raised with were also possible. To top it all off the books/movies concepts i grew up reading/watching brainwashed my poor naive brain to the point that i assumed my own life was going to go in one of those plots/scenarios. You are probably thinking, who was that cruel person who left me believing me all this nuisance. Well, this is what happens when you live on a very small island in a conservative eastern european state for your first 18 years of your life. Moving from Nessebar to New York was not a cultural shock but rather a triple espresso shot with a redbull.
Believe it or not, however, i did my best to avoid thinking about how all my understandings were shattered to pieces (trust me i have the best defence system you could think of). I locked that part of my brain and pretty much breezed through my undergraduate as if it was the town over my hometown. But reality was still there, right around the corner, I could see it or feel it even hear it but i procrastinated face to face confrontation for as long as i could. Scotland was just about the same, although i could see how the pieces of my world, which i painstakingly glue back every single time there was a discrepancy between what i used to believe and what it really was, were standing out so horridly, mainly because they no longer made sense in the mosaic. The order made no sense, nothing made sense. It seemed wrong. Something that used to looks so perfectly clear and logical, now lost all of its rationale. The morale value system that i have built, the one which i left Bulgaria with, was challenged.
I guess many can say "Why the heck are you digging so deep, enjoy life and take every day as it is, just have fun?!" Well, i am being a human. Humans feel, think, share. I could really just be living a life where i ask no questions and just mind my own business but i would ultimately be doing what i did for a while just keeping the gear on automatic and not hitting the breaks at all until i crash.
Now that school is over (as in im done with the bubble called academia for good), the breaks have been applied and for the first time i actually have the chance to sit down and realize that i have struggled with trying to match up the different people, worlds (US UK BG) and their morality into my life.
What is the final product? -A mess.
What is the remedy/solution?-No idea.
It really hurts my head to try to figure out what to do, especially when i don't even know where i will be in three months. What part of the world will my life take me to? Yeah, may be if i stay in one place i could perhaps better things. It sounds so uneasy to say that having met such a variety of people has rather altered me in a way that has irreversibly changed me. I am aware everyone changes and that such is life. But I believe that there is a huge difference in changing gradually and smoothly into a person and having to adjust to changes quickly because you have no other choice. I would agree to one thing. For better or worse, It is me who has chosen to lead a life of a constant traveler in a professional field that is not for the faint-hearted in location far away from home. Therefore, no one is to bare any blame for anything (perhaps except for me). What I did wish was, however, that i knew better how to enjoy life with the overwhelming diversity it offers, without losing myself and who i am and not feeling bad/guilty about maintaing a morality corresponding to an old-dead world.
I am sure the answer is simple but following it probably isn't.
